Video Nasty #20: Evilspeak

Synopsis: Coopersmith (or Cooper-dick to, well, everyone) is the least popular cadet in military school. He's bullied daily, despised by the soccer coach and forced to clean out the church's catacombs by the pastor. Whilst cleaning out the crypt Coopersmith stumbles upon the art of black mass and, in a heartbeat, decides that the only way to get revenge on his bullys is to enlist the help of Satan. After all, revenge is a dish best served disproportionately.

I was never really persistently bullied at school, despite being an obvious target. My teenage attempts to grow locks was scuppered by my hair's ability to disregard gravity, growing away from my head but never downwards. For many years I belligerently sported a ginger afro in the misguided belief that one day my muscle-hair would give up and relax. Being a red-head was reason alone to be abused, making my noggin the size of a Space Hopper just made me an even easier target, literally. Afro aside, I was also a 'greb', a derogatory term used for anyone in our school that was in a band, read NME, knew the lyrics to Polly by Nirvana and thought most chart music was shit. I was a prime target, but for some reason I was spared from sustained bullying. I was shouted at most days and one evening attacked by ten or so yoofs in the street, but it wasn't part of any persistent campaign. The only consistant bully I had was myself, with the constant self-loathing I knew I had to perfect if I ever wanted to grow up like my miserable idols.

Despite this, I have experienced many adrenaline-fuelled moments of reverie imagining overblown retribution against some jerk that pushed me over in the school corridor or reminded me, for the two hundredth time, that my hair is still ginger. Unlike Coopersmith, the anti-hero of Evilspeak, even in my darkest moments I had never considered a black seance to harness the power of Satan. It just seems a bit mental.

Coopersmith is bullied more than your average kid. As if the archetypal teenage bullies killing his puppy wasn't bad enough, the entire military school staff despise him. The soccer coach encourages others to inure him so he can't play in the big game, the head teacher will moan about him being a welfare case to anyone who'll listen and Sarge, the drunk who lives beneath the church, repeatedly calls him a cocksucker (although given that he calls everyone a cocksucker, I suspect Sarge may have tourettes). The film is so occupied with Coopersmith being emotionally crushed by every person in his life (as mitigation for the events to come), even I felt like I should join in and give him some abuse.


When Coopersmith isn't being bullied, he spends the film typing dubious satanic latin into an even more dubious monitor sized super computer. Like all good celluloid computers, Coopersmith's PC is more powerful and advanced than Stephen Hawking after a voice upgrade. The computer perfectly translates the book and, once parsed, starts guiding Coopersmith through the satanic rites, flashing 'Blood Consecrated Host Required' like a psychopathic edition of Microsoft Windows. When he finally delivers the last ingredient (that dead puppy came in handy) the screen prints the ominous 'Data Complete' and switches to its extravagant tron-like pentagram screensaver. Unintentionally, Evilspeak's use of a computer to summon evil is a pretty prescient analogy of the how the media currently views computers. The Internet is, after all, the 21st century Video Nasty, blamed for everything broken in society like the comics, videos and computer games that came before it.

When Coopersmith finally gets his retribution it's satisfying, if not a little ridiculous. All of his fellow pupils are in the church for a pre-soccer game rally from the Priest. As Coopersmith completes the ceremony he rises through the floor from the crypt below, sword in hand and killer pigs in tow. As the crowd scrambles we're treated to Coopersmith floating around the hall mashing up people's heads with a sword and hell's pigs tearing people limb from limb. The Pièce de résistance has to be the nail in a crucification effigy becoming supernaturally dislodged and flying through the priest's forehead. As deserved as the revenge is, it is quite boring after the initial onslaught. The wire work is particularly rubbish, making Coopersmith look more like a wonky marionette then a levitating force of evil.


Evilspeak is enjoyable enough, saved from banality by a solid and empathetic performance from Clint Howard (Ron's brother). Even though the film takes a while to get going, the retribution finale is cathartic whilst being unintentionally hilarious. I can only assume the film was deemed offensive as the story is basically an unabashed endorsement of using violence for revenge, made worse by the fact that the big guy himself, Satan, is sold as an anti-hero. You know what, hats off to the filmmakers for taking a stand. The media are always vilifying Satan. Poor guy.

Video Nasty #34 : The Boogeyman

Synopsis: 20 years after witnessing the murder of her abusive step-father Lacey is still haunted by the past. In an attempt to rid her demons she returns to the scene of the crime and accidentally breaks a mirror, unwittingly releasing the evil spirit of her late surrogate father. Silly cow.

The 80's were responsible for some really terrifying celluloid incarnations: pizza-face Freddy Krueger  and his razor gloves, machete weilding Jason Voorhees and his iconic hockey mask, Tina Turner with electrical-incident hair and her fucking Thunderdome. None of these compare to the terror that is The Boogeyman - A dude with some tights on his head, making his nose look a bit squidgy (think Owen Wilson, but without tights on his head)

Thankfully (yet somewhat surprisingly) you only see the Boogeyman's physical form during the opening scene (which is then scattered through-out the film in pointless yet time-consuming flash-backs). For most of the film the b-man is a malevolent poltergeist trapped in shards of glass. As shitty as that sounds, the film's premise - a murdered psycho returning as a supernatural being to take revenge on his killer - greatly pre-dates the similar and far superior Nightmare on Elm Street. Unlike Nightmare, the Boogeyman's motivation to return and kill anyone who get's near his funky mirror is never really rationalised. This problematic because of all the people he murders, he pretty much ignores his killer.

So the script is pretty awful. But like all good horror b-movies the creaky script and rubbish acting is inconsequential if there's some inventive gore and an absolutely insane finale. As a poltergeist the Boogeyman takes no prisoners, flinging garden forks and knifes at anyone who gets in the evil mirror's reflection (yes, I realise how stupid that sounds). The Boogeyman's most entertaining kill has to be the young couple immortally held together in a kiss via a bbq skewer thrown through their heads (shown above).

The ending is a blinder (although not quite as mad as Evilspeak). Under possession of the Boogeyman Lacey jams a piece of the haunted mirror in her eye and starts levitating. The local vicar attempts to rid Lacey of the evil spirit (how come all clergy in horror films know how to perform exorcisms?) but unfortunately has his face melted off and knives thrown in to his back. Lacey eventually overcomes the evil glass and throws it down the well, which then explodes. But we could all see that coming, right?

The Boogeyman is a good idea, executed very badly. It's presence on the DPP list is baffling, but as this is true for most of the films on the list i'm not that surprised (I can only assume it's on the list due to the implied child-abuse at the start of the film). The film ends with a requisite opening for a sequel, which was unfortunately made and also ended up on the DPP list, probably for crimes against cinema. I'll let you know when and if I find a copy.