Video Nasty #41 : Don't Go In The Woods

Synopsis: Two teenage couples are hiking through a beautiful wooded mountain range whilst, unbeknownst to them, everyone within a five mile radius are being killed in horrible and contrived ways by a grizzly survivalist. When the mad man finally catches up with our heros they must fight for their lives.

If I was pushed to say something positive about Dont' Go In The Woods, it's this backhanded compliment - like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, it's proof that you can't boil a genre down to its basic components, repeat them ad-nauseum and expect to make a good film. The director of DGITW decided that as long as a slasher flick had as many ludicrous and violent deaths as possible it was a guaranteed hit. This film has 13 deaths, all evenly spread across a short running time of 82 minutes (that's one death every 7 minutes, maths fans). And yet, like Michael Bay's literally action-packed Transformers movie, it's just a shallow, boring mess. It has taken me a 4 weeks to get through this movie. And during that time I had a week off work.

Not that the deaths aren't fun, in isolation. The Crazy Frog was mildly amusing the first time you heard it, right? Bear Traps are an underused if slightly preposterous weapon (the exception being Andy Nyman's brilliant amputation in Severance), and nothing is more preposterous than seeing a bear trap very slowly swinging from a tree towards a redshirt so terrified he can do nothing but keep his head perfectly still and aligned with the oncoming jaws. Whilst our killer isn't setting up ridiculous traps he keeps himself busy, be it rolling an inhabited VW campervan down a hill (which inexplicably explodes), hanging an inhabited tent from a tree and beating it like a blood filled Piñata, throwing an elderly lady off a cliff, or in my favourite scene, decapitating a man who's sitting in a wheel chair admiring the sunset. The fact that we've previously watched this victim struggle to ascend the hill against all odds only adds to the tragic humour.

What are ostensibly the main characters are lost in the murder mélange; it's difficult to connect with any character when most are slaughtered mere minutes after their introduction. Once i'd figured out who the main characters were (i.e. the ones that weren't dead yet), it was really hard to care, especially as they were particularly dumb. Running away from a ruthless serial killer with super-human strength? Why not light a big fire and have a kip or, even better, take shelter in the murderer's corpse filled nutty room. The killer himself is similarly underwritten. Normally the monster being ruthless without an explanation or motive can make them even more terrifying, but when some beardy local suddenly starts killing sort of explanation would be useful. Instead, all we get is a a man wailing his way around a forest looking like a klingon obsessive who finally flipped because he didn't get in line early enough to see the Star Trek panel at Comicon.

The final word on the film should really go to film2000, the movie's UK distributor. I'm not saying they haven't watched the film, but it's telling that the back-cover has the synopsis and endorsements for a completely different film ('Creepier than the Blair Witch Project'). The annoying thing is, that mis-googled film, In the Woods, actually sounds far more entertaining than this cack.

Video Nasty #39 : The Devil Hunter AKA Sexo Caníbal

Synopsis: When model Laura Crawford is kidnapped Peter Weston and his vietnam-vet side kick are sent to a remote South American island to bring her back, preferably with the large ransom the kidnappers have demanded for Laura's release. After the exchange goes disastrously wrong the kidnappers retreat to the jungle and straight in to the grips of 'the devil', the island's resident cannibal overlord.

Just when I thought there couldn't possibly be anymore cannibal movies on the list I find The Devil Hunter, a deceptively titled cheap horrible exploitation smear on otherwise useful celluloid. This film is so awful my laptop's DVD player rejected the disk, shaking and wailing at volume for every second it was forced to decompress, decrypt and de-interlace; as if it couldn't comprehend why its state of the art technology was being used to watch something so horribly lo-fi.

The Devil Hunter is the work of the infamous Jesus Franco, a man who has made an astonishing 160 films, mostly filth (The Erotic Rites of Frankenstein, Vampyros Lesbos, etc.). Not to renege on his reputation The Devil Hunter may as well be called 'Mr Cannibal's Sexy Weekend', as many long scenes are spent watching the afro-caribbean 'natives' and Ms. Crawford writhe in agony whilst thrusting their gyrating crotches in the direction of the shamelessly leering camera. These scenes are so long and blatantly sexualised even a pubescent 16 year old boy would find it a little too slimy to be erotic. Although one could write-off Franco's obsession with nudity as harmless, it's a little more difficult to justify the point of a casual rape scene, as the rapist's girlfriend complicity watches in a hammock ("you're a son of a bitch, but I love you". yay for feminism!).

It's not as if these scenes are required to pad the film out, at 102 minutes long the film is a chore; so much so that I had to watch it in twenty minute chunks, taking rest breaks as if I was revising for some hellish a-level. Unfortunately the promise of gorey cannibal carnage isn't really followed through; the titular devil is a naked dude with ping-pong ball eyes (literally) who likes chewing on necks and covering his victims in a weird powder-based orangey-red paint and placing a few raw sausages around their belly button. When the cannibal isn't on screen we're treated to the tiresome vaseline lensed 'cannibal-cam', complete with heavy breathing smothered in token 80's pop reverb.

That fucking reverb. Enough. It's not scary. It's shit. Stop it.

I could go on but this has just become an unhinged rant. All you really need to know about The Devil Hunter is that it's an awful film. Quite possibly the worst of the #39 i've seen so far. And i've seen Cannibal Terror.

Video Nasty #38 : House by the Cemetery

Synopsis: After Dr Peterson kills himself and his lover, it is left to Norman Boyle to continue the Dr's ground breaking research into, of all things, suicide. To pick up where his college left off Norman moves his family to the Dr's residence, a dilapidated house by an equally dilapidated cemetery. Norman soon discovers that a creepy graveyard is the least of your worries when there’s a crypt in your living room and an un-dead in the cellar...

House by the Cemetery sees Fulci returning to the Nasty List, after the impressive and gut-wrenchingly gory The Beyond. This isn’t the only connection between these two films, as they form two parts of Fulci’s ‘Seven Gates of Hell Trilogy’. Where as The Beyond is a dreamy ethereal and ultimately unremittingly bleak film, House by the Cemetery is, despite the director’s meagre efforts to suggest otherwise, a relatively straight forward monster-in-the-basement roller-coaster ride. Not that i’m complaining, of course.

The most interesting aspect of House by the Cemetery is how little Fulci relies on gore for scares. Sympathetic to the PG-13 connotations of the plot ('monster in the basement' would be the perfect title for a kid-friendly horror movie), Fulci uses flowing and lush cinematography to wring all possible tension out of some frankly hackneyed scenarios. These scene's are all horror movie staples - eyes glowing in the dark, bumps in the night, little kids being creepy and creaking door’s slamming shut to entrap a victim in the monster’s clutches. The later is particularly tense, even after its third copy-paste reprisal in the script.

Of course things don't stay PG-13 for long; in Little Monsters Fred Savage never had a knife jammed through the back of his skull or his throat ripped out (although i'm still hopeful for a director's cut). The most bloody scene of the film is unintentionally hilarious as Norman is attacked by a bat that looks like a Goonies prop reject. The bat latches itself to Norman's hand and the scene plays like a Bruce Campbell body acting masterclass, Norman running around the house desperately trying to dislodge the flying whilst decorating the house with an inhuman (or inbat) amount of blood . Purposefully hilarious or not, seeing the shell-shocked family sprayed with blood was my favourite moment of the film.

Whilst the bat is the unintentional star of the film, the monster is for the most part an un-seen entity, only revealed (as in all good monster movies) in the last ten minuts of the film. Unlike most monster movies, the undead professor is in the full flesh still as creepy as the glimpses of limbs and glowing eyes we've had through-out the film, looking like a prune with eyes (definitely not a raisin, he wasn't poncing around in shades singing 'Heard It Through The Grapevine').

If I had to criticise the film it would be that Fulci can't help but put some inexplicable mysteries into the film, as if he's worried about betraying his Giallo origins. Most are unexplained, and add nothing to the film other than confusion - why did the babysitter clean up after the monster, why did people say Norman had visited the house before?, and what was the ending all about, complete with incorrectly attributed quote? None of this stuff really matters, it's just a shallow attempt at depth that is so ineffectual it doesn't really detract from the main show. Like a plot in a porn film.

House by the Cemetery is great. If you like your monsters grim, and your gore even grimmer, you'll love it.

Video Nasty #37 : Pranks AKA The Dorm that Dripped Blood

Synopsis: Joanne and three friends are clearing a university dormitory in preparation for its demolition. Unbeknownst to them they are being stalked by a shakey-handed camera man with a full concert orchestra in tow. Can they stop their assailant before he permanently stops them? (i'm so sorry, writing a snappy synopsis is difficult).

As slasher films go, Pranks is at best mediocre. The direction is uninspiring, the script lame and acting sub-standard. It does however have a few redeeming features - an absolutely epic score, Princess Vespa from Spaceballs head popping like a balloon, and a surprisingly vicious ending.

In stark contrast to the home-movie cinematography the film's score is the work of an accomplished composer. As the camera lumbers after a chosen victim it's accompanied by plinky plonky staccatto piano, portameto timpanis, crashing cymbals, a full string section and a xylophone. Unfortunately as great as the score is (by Christopher Young, composer on Hellraiser, Drag Me To Hell & Spider Man 3), it's a little too bombastic for this small slasher flick, sapping the film of any tension the dreadful direction hasn't already wrung out of the script (Imagine John Williams scoring The Texas Chainsaw Massacre).

Despite the clunky visuals, the directors at least deliver on the absolute basic slasher requirement - inventive, original and above all else, horrible kills. Despite increasing their chance of being captured ten-fold any self-respecting slasher wouldn't be caught dead with something as dull & efficient as a gun or an, urm, atomic bomb. The best of these prolonged kills has to be Daphne Zuniga's character being knocked unconscious, dragged onto the road and a van reversing over her head (this is after the killer has murdered both of her parents, ever the completist). Although we don't see the cranium collapse, the comedy pop noise is satisfying enough. Other unfortunates are boiled alive, drilled and, in the sombre finale, incinerated.

And on that point; the ending. Through-out the film we're led to believe the killer is the local hermit; who may as well be dressed in red fish costume wearing a sign saying 'i'm a herring'. The killer is in fact Craig, one the characterless flesh-bags that has somehow managed to appear throughout the film without me ever really noticing. This makes it particular infuriating when he says to Joanne, and by extension the audience, 'Don't you understand, it was me the whole time', as if we're stupid for not spotting all the clues liberally sprinkled through out the film (of which there are none). He then goes onto explain how he executed the killings which isn't impressive or relevant, because a) it wasn't exactly difficult and b) as most of the film is unintelligible I couldn't care less. The reasons for his killing are stereotypical but nonsensical in the context of the film. The murderer was secretly in love with the Joanne, the final girl, and he killed everyone else to keep her to himself (this doesn't explain why he killed the janitor and the family who were leaving the university).

Despite this the film ends on a surprisingly sombre and unnerving note. The police arrive but are tricked into believing Craig is a victim. As they celebrate catching the wrong guy Craig carries the unconscious Joanne in his arms and bungs her in the incinerator. This is a surprisingly bold turn, and despite Craig's transformation from forgettable normo to forgettable psycho, the shot of him carrying Joanne to the incinerator is pretty creepy.

So, Pranks is a bit of a mess. Despite its inventive kills and big-budget score it's mostly a badly shot emotionless bore. The biggest problem is that for a film where characters are stalked around a building there's no real sense of geography to the place they inhabit, making it difficult to understand what peril the characters are in (surely a building of this size would have multiple exits?). Along with the poor camera work, direction, acting and cinematography the non-existant tension is completely smothered by the over the bombastic score. Sometimes silence can be scary.

Video Nasty #36 : Mountain of the Cannibal God AKA Primitive Desires

Synopsis: Susan Stevenson (Ursula Andress) has flown to Generic South American Country to search for her Husband, who hasn't been heard from since disappearing into the jungle in search of uranium. Joined by her brother and a local expert Susan heads to the jungle and unknowingly towards the Mountain of the Cannibal God.

I can't help but audably sigh when I realise there's another cannibal movie on the list that i'm yet to watch. It's a lousy genre, and one that was completely bled-dry during the video nasty hey-day. Given my love for all things zombie, this disdain may seem surprising; surely a zombie is just a really hungry angry cannibal? Well yes, it's not the monster at fault, it's the unwritten genre rules. Where as zombie movies are fun and ridiculous with a sincere yet often shallow, pretentious social-science a-level subtext, cannibal movies are about shock, animal cruelty and natives with no clothes on. (I'll begrudgingly admit that zombie movies have also out-stayed their welcome after the post 28 Days Later resurgence)

Given my contempt for the genre I was pleasantly surprised by Mountain of the Cannibal God. That is of course, a back handed compliment. To say this the best cannibal movie i've seen is like saying the best food poisoning i've ever had or the least painful kick in the nuts. The film does have all the halmarks of a cannibal movie - Unnecessary animal slaughter (an iguana being torn apart is almost a genre all-time low), casual sexism ('It's hard enough for a man, for a woman it would be almost impossible') and excessive nudity.

Despite it ticking most of the genre boxes the idiot director did neglect a few. For example there was no back of the cigarette packet script, incongruous stock footage of wildlife and a general disdain for the viewer. Mountain of the Cannibal God feels a little like Indiana Jones, albeit being released three years before Raiders of the Lost Ark. Rather than focusing on the cannibals the film is more of a jungle adventure with inventive traps, rafting through crocodile-infested water and exploring huge caves. Unlike Indiana Jones these boys-adventure elements do have a violent sting in the tail. One trap is essentially a wooden iron maiden, tenderising the victim in preparation for the cannibal BBQ and the crocodiles somehow manage to tear a guide's arm off.

Although the cannibals do pop up every so often as our hero's mysterious adversaries (looking like Naan Bread from The Mighty Boosh), they only really come into play in the final act. If there's one thing i've learnt from the previous #35 films, it's that regardless of what has come before if you can deliver a barmy ending the viewer will walk away happy (Well, unless they have to write a review and realise they've been hoodwinked). Mountain of the Cannibal God ends with some images I don't believe i'll ever see (or want to see) on film again. In the climax Ursula Andress is declared a goddess, tied to a poll and sexually abused by a cannibal. Said cannibal then has his cock cut off and amongst an orgy of masturbation and sex the film delivers its Pièce de résistance - a cannibal fucking a pig.

So it's not exactly a struggle to figure out why the film was listed. Mountain of the Cannibal God is an OK film, but its obscurity really isn't surprising. Despite the frankly childish climax the film is far more entertaining than it should be, and is put together with a confident and expert hand.

After all, even I have to admit that the man porking the pork was very well lit.

Video Nasty #35 : Tenebrae AKA Unsane

Synopsis: As horror writer Peter Neal arrives in Rome he is greeted by his latest novel incarnate; young promiscuous women are dying in horrible ways at the hands of an obsessive serial killer. When the murderer sends Peter a note the local police take a leaf out of the Scooby Doo Big Book of Law Enforcement and ask him to help with the investigation. As the bodies pile up and the inept police are without a clue it's up to Peter to put an end to the killing.

After the supernatural classic Susperia and its interesting yet ultimately dissapointing sequel Infero, Argento returned to the genre he helped define, Giallo, with Tenebrae. Giallo movies are highly stylised pulpy Italian crime mysteries, often including extended and bloody murder sequences. And on the later point, Tenebrae does not disappoint.

The murder scenes are probably the most remarkable thing about Tenebrae. The most effective set-piece, the murder of a young lesbian couple, includes a two and half minute crane shot; sweeping around the couple's home as they are unknowingly stalked by the killer. It's a technically stunning shot (especially consider the clunky technology of the time) and its creeping pace perfectly leads into a gruesome double murder. Despite the technical brilliance of these scenes, I think their length are ultimately detrimental to the rest of the film. Too much time is spent introducing characters that are blatantly victim's to be, stretching the film's runtime to a slightly flabby one hour fifty. Despite the length it's worth the wait for the finale's blood fountain, gushing from a post-arm stub. It's so ridiculous I couldn't help but laugh-out-loud. Loved it.

The story is twisty, unpredictable and ultimately satisfying. The protagonist's novel acts as a meta-commentary of the film itself, both being concerned with the attitudes to what some might call sexual deviance, and others would call 'being yourself'. This affords Argento an excuse for lots of female nudity - not that an 80's Italian pulp director ever worried about narrative justification to show a bit of boobage. Despite the awkward miscast of Anthony Franciosa as the lead (I can't help but think the role was written for someone younger), the rest of the cast is great, especially John Saxon as Neal's over-effervescent agent.

The one thing that Tenebrae will rightly be remembered for (other than the masochistically difficult crane shot) is the unsurprisingly awesome soundtrack by Goblin. The title track is so good I was already firing up Garageband to knock together a remix (to facilitate my long-deserved breakthrough into the electro scene). Unfortunately I discovered that french-electro-bastards Justice have beaten me to it with the frankly brilliant 'Phantom' on their debut album 'Cross'. Oh well, guess i'll have to continue work on my drum'n'bass opus based on the theme tune of 'The Boogeyman'.

Compared to it's company on the list, Tenebrae is a masterpiece. Compared to it's company in the history of film, it's alright. The script is great, the acting pretty good and the visual's gorgeous, but it's let down by its slightly self-indulgent length and a lead character that doesn't quite work. I suspect this film  marks one of the few peaks of genuine enjoyment i've had since starting this movie marathon. I worry that i'm heading for a deep sustained trough.

Video Nasty #34 : The Boogeyman

Synopsis: 20 years after witnessing the murder of her abusive step-father Lacey is still haunted by the past. In an attempt to rid her demons she returns to the scene of the crime and accidentally breaks a mirror, unwittingly releasing the evil spirit of her late surrogate father. Silly cow.

The 80's were responsible for some really terrifying celluloid incarnations: pizza-face Freddy Krueger  and his razor gloves, machete weilding Jason Voorhees and his iconic hockey mask, Tina Turner with electrical-incident hair and her fucking Thunderdome. None of these compare to the terror that is The Boogeyman - A dude with some tights on his head, making his nose look a bit squidgy (think Owen Wilson, but without tights on his head)

Thankfully (yet somewhat surprisingly) you only see the Boogeyman's physical form during the opening scene (which is then scattered through-out the film in pointless yet time-consuming flash-backs). For most of the film the b-man is a malevolent poltergeist trapped in shards of glass. As shitty as that sounds, the film's premise - a murdered psycho returning as a supernatural being to take revenge on his killer - greatly pre-dates the similar and far superior Nightmare on Elm Street. Unlike Nightmare, the Boogeyman's motivation to return and kill anyone who get's near his funky mirror is never really rationalised. This problematic because of all the people he murders, he pretty much ignores his killer.

So the script is pretty awful. But like all good horror b-movies the creaky script and rubbish acting is inconsequential if there's some inventive gore and an absolutely insane finale. As a poltergeist the Boogeyman takes no prisoners, flinging garden forks and knifes at anyone who gets in the evil mirror's reflection (yes, I realise how stupid that sounds). The Boogeyman's most entertaining kill has to be the young couple immortally held together in a kiss via a bbq skewer thrown through their heads (shown above).

The ending is a blinder (although not quite as mad as Evilspeak). Under possession of the Boogeyman Lacey jams a piece of the haunted mirror in her eye and starts levitating. The local vicar attempts to rid Lacey of the evil spirit (how come all clergy in horror films know how to perform exorcisms?) but unfortunately has his face melted off and knives thrown in to his back. Lacey eventually overcomes the evil glass and throws it down the well, which then explodes. But we could all see that coming, right?

The Boogeyman is a good idea, executed very badly. It's presence on the DPP list is baffling, but as this is true for most of the films on the list i'm not that surprised (I can only assume it's on the list due to the implied child-abuse at the start of the film). The film ends with a requisite opening for a sequel, which was unfortunately made and also ended up on the DPP list, probably for crimes against cinema. I'll let you know when and if I find a copy.

Video Nasty #33 : Dead & Buried

Synopsis: After a series of grisly accidents, Sheriff Gillis suspects foul play. As the accidents continue the dead and buried are inexplicably sighted around town. Welcome to Potter's Bluff : A new way of life!

Dead & Buried is by far the biggest budget movie on the list, and accordingly it's team is also of the highest calibre. Co-writer Dan O'Bannon worked on Alien and went on to write one my favourite zombie movies, Return of the Living Dead. O'Bannon was joined by the his co-writer on Alien as a producer, as celebrated/exploited on the poster. Horror legend Stan Winston (Aliens, Predator, The Terminator) also provides special effects for many of the film's 'accidents'.

What they and director Gary Sherman created is a tonally-unbalanced yet surprising, gory and darkly funny original movie that deserves to be better known than it is. This isn't helped by the lousy DVD transfer; many scenes are too dark and most of the audio is time shifted as if all the actors are performing an elaborate ventriloquist routine. Spoilers ahead.

The plot itself owes somewhat to Invasion of the Body Snatchers (feel free to pick any version), although in this case the alien plants are replaced by a nutty mortician who can use makeup, embalming fluids and a bit of voodoo to quite literally bring corpses back to life. Unlike Invasion, there isn't any  subtext (lack of freedom, communism, blah blah blah), instead the plot is milked for all its paranoid and gloriously gory potential.

And god bless Stan Winston is this gory. Much like the film's tone the effects vary, ranging from vicious realism to intentional silliness. The most memorable scenes are head-meets-acid (not very well done, but A+ for effort), a needle being jammed into a completely incapacitated burn victim's eye (ewwww!) and the utterly insane prehumous embalming. Things get a little silly when Sheriff Gillis' collision with an undead results in a dismembered hand getting stuck in his car's grill, the hand still wriggling like Ash's bird-flicking paw in Evil Dead 2.

And this alludes to probably the only major issue with the film. In parts the film is deadly serious yet as the admittedly daft plot gathers momentum it feels like there's some resistance to embrace the potential for humour (unlike the similarly gory and funny Strange Behaviour).

Regardless, Dead & Buried is worth a watch if only for the third act's plot twists that are so good they'd make Shyamalan jealous. It's films like this that make my idiotic year long movie-night worth it.

Video Nasty #32: Don't Look in the Basement AKA The Forgotten

Synopsis: Nurse Charlotte has arrived for her first day of work to discover that Dr Stephens, her would be employer, was recently killed in a tragic 'accident'. Under the watchful eye of the Dr Geraldine Masters, Nurse Charlotte discovers that accidents aren't uncommon at the Sanitarium. Maybe giving an acute paranoid schizophrenic an axe as part of their treatment isn't such a good idea.

Regardless of any merit in Don't Look in the Basement, the debut and last notable effort of 'classic horror director'* S.F.Brownrigg, it has to be acknowledged that its treatment of mental health is incredibly offensive. A few of the film's i've previously reviewed have dared to go 'full retard' (see I Spit on your Grave), but this film makes them look like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest in comparison.

The mental patients of Dr Stephen's sanitarium are one-dimensional plot fodder, painted using the full gamut of mental health cliches. There's Sergeant, a man who recently returned from an unspecified war and is now permanently guarding the house from the telephone repairmen. Judge, permanently laying down the law and dishing out draconian punishments. Allyson, a nymphomaniac who takes her top off at the drop of a, well, top. Sam, a post-lobotomy man-child with a predilection for popsicles. And that's only half of the sanatarium's occupants; the full set is available as part of 'Mental Patient Top Trumps', available in the foyer and all questionable toy shops.

Oddly, the way it mishandles mental health is part of its charm. The patients are ill-informed caricatures played wonderfully and with full conviction by a bunch of unknowns who probably weren't aware of the career kamikaze they were partaking. The most offensive turn has to be the film's finale, where all the patients turn on the mad matron and literally tear her apart. The assertion that anyone with a mental health issue is one plot twist away from cannibalism is so patently ridiculous it makes me want to tear the writer limb from limb and eat his guts. The insensitive bastard.

Offensiveness aside, the script is actually quite good and deserves better treatment than this low-budget grindhouse effort. The twist of the film, if you haven't figured it out, is that the hard-nosed matron that rules over the Sanitarium is in fact a patient, something which Nurse Charlotte discovers in the third-act. And, much the like the inexplicably inferior Shutter Island (SPOILER AHEAD), there's even a sub-plot suggesting that Nurse Charlotte was one of the patients all along, an intriguing idea that unfortunately fades a little too quick.


What the film lacks in quality film-making, it makes up for in silly gore. The film opens with a doctor being axed and later on a spike is jammed in a patients head, an old woman's tongue is cut off for talking too much and the grand finale sees the man-child Sam axing 6 patients to death whilst they're too busy tearing the matron apart.

I can't say I wholly recommend Don't Look in the Basement, but if you want to sample a slice of low budget exploitation, you could do a lot worse.

* As the DVD cover declares

Video Nasty #31 : Bloody Moon

Synopsis: Five years ago the severely burnt Miguel murdered a girl in a fit of insanity. After receiving the all-clear from his psychiatrist Miguel has been allowed to return to the scene of the crime, the accurately yet egregiously named 'International Youth Club Boarding School of Languages'. As the new term starts girls start dying, all witnessed by our heroine Angela. Is pizza-face really the killer, or is he being framed by his incestuous sister as part of an overly complex scheme to take ownership of the school?

Bloody Moon is a run-of-the-mill Slasher movie, as interpreted by italian exploitation director Jesus Franco. Think Friday the 13th with incest and even more nudity. Franco's oeuvre includes the infamous Vampyros Lesbos, which I think makes him partly responsible for the tosh James Cordon vehicle/train-wreck Lesbian Vampire Killers. Bastard.


It's difficult to be too offended by the overt sexism. Much like the american slasher films it emulates, Bloody Moon treats women like a pubescent adolescent, obsessed with boobs and innuendo - filthy but fine. The most potentially offensive scene featuing a women being stabbed directly through her breast is so hammy and dumb I think even the most militant feminist would just sigh, tut and worry about the film's on the list that really are misogynistic (see Gestapo's Last Orgy). After all, both the hero and evil mastermind of Bloody Moon are women.

This shallowness is prevalent through out the film, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's nice to watch an old-skool slasher free from the irony that the post-Scream hollywood demands. Bloody Moon follows the unwritten rules; anyone who has a minor indiscretion with our heroine or even thinks about doing the dirty-dance quickly cops it. Unlike most slashers the storyline ludicrously complex, at one point there being five characters implicated as the murderer.


Despite the complicated plot, Bloody Moon manages to deliver some memorable moments including death by circular-saw, bear trap on the head, scissors, spike through the throat and the 80's perennial, chainsaw. The circular-saw death is film's most infamous death, although the quick-cut from live actress to mannequin decapitation is more comical than terrifying. Despite the imaginative array of murder weapons the most memorable scene has to the film's opening, where Miguel kills a women wearing a Mickey Mouse mask. Memorable, because I can't believe Disney's army of lawyers let them get away with it.

Bloody Moon is late-night post-pub fodder. Despite its unnecessarily complicated story if you go in with low expectation it's enjoyable b-movie trash.

Video Nasty #30 : Last House on the Left

Synopsis: On the eve of their daughter's seventeenth birthday the Collingwoods are preparing a surprise party whilst Mari, the birthday girl, is in the city for a gig. As they're raising the bunting and baking cake the parent's are blissfully unaware that their daughter has been kidnapped, abused and raped by a gang of escaped convicts led by Krug, the psychotic ring-leader. When the gang inadvertently seek shelter at the Collingwood's, the parents slowly realise that they are in the company of their daughter's murderers and, despite their seemingly harmless facade, go Old Testment on Krug and co.

It's remarkable how sometimes despite the constituent parts being unbalanced, un-conventional or even amateurish, a film can really get under you skin. The first time I watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre I distinctly remember a feeling of dread that stuck with me for a few days, as if the film had left a dirty imprint on my sub-conscious of leather-face waiting around every corner to drag me into a makeshift abattoir and hang me on a meat hook. Like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, despite its countless missteps and unconventionalities, Last House on the Left has a similar emotional resonance, albeit a more seedy and depressive funk.

Which is impressive, because there are countless elements in Last House that really shouldn't work. Whilst Wes Craven's idea of intercutting between the rape of Mari and the victim's parents preparing her party is crushingly effective, his attempts to intercut between a later rape scene and the comedy japes of the sheriff and his idiot sub-ordinate is excruciatingly embarrassing. Not only is the broad comedy incredibly insensitive when juxtaposed with scenes of abuse, it's also deeply unfunny (coincidentally an increasingly emphasis on comedy instead of horror is what ruined Craven's most famous creation - Freddy Krueger).


The odd mash of horror and variety-show lightheartedness is also evident on the soundtrack, with mixed results. The whimsical music accompanying some of the horrific acts works in an odd way, much like Kubrick's use of rousing classical music to score the old ultra-violent in Clockwork Orange. When the soundtrack doesn't work it's as embarrassing as the attempts at comedy, most notably the bluegrass/folk song chronicling Krug's exploits in the film.

Despite these missteps, Last House is a film that looks incredibly fresh, despite the fact it's almost 40 years old. Craven's cost-cutting idea of using a document crew gives the film an air of realism that makes every horrific act all the more believable, even during the parent's almost comic book revenge of emasculative fellatio and a fifty year old man setting home-alone style booby traps.

Craven and producer Sean Cunningham wanted to deliberately challenge Hollywoods consequence-free violence, and accordingly there's no hero in Last House. Everybody looses. The parent's revenge is ultimately self-defeating, as is painfully clear in the final shot of the film, the dejected parents standing in their destroyed home awaiting arrest. Their family unit is irreparably destroyed, and no amount of revenge will ever change that.


Like The Exorcist and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the film's long term ban is proof of its unnerving and distributing quality. As Mark Kermode points out, Deep Throat, a hardcore porn film in which the lead allegedly had a gun pointed at her head to perform, is released uncut, yet Last House on the Left was, up until 2002, not certified for release in the UK.

Last House on the Left is not a film I could recommend to anyone, apart from film students or a completist horror fan. Nethertheless, it's an important film, and for once, it's infamy and entry on the Video Nasty list is fully deserved.

Video Nasty #29 : Don't Go Near The Park

If there's one thing you have to know about Don't Go Near The Park is that towards the end a man starts shooting lasers out of his eyes. It's pretty impressive. I sense you don't believe me. Seriously. It's So Cool. Look:


This screenshot perfectly summarises Don't Go Near The Park. Look at it. It's insane. There's Captain Caveman shooting a teenager in the face with perfectly rendered eye-lasers in an arid cave that's somehow on fire while his 10,000 year old sister is writhing in the agony after a sibling eye based attack. Unbelievable, this screenshot makes as much sense as anything else in the film. In fact, it probably makes more sense then most of what preceded it.

Don't Go In The Park is an incredibly poor film. It's so concerned with telling it's painfully linear yet dense story that it never has a chance to develop a character. Despite the plodding story telling, the plot itself is absolutely insane. Here's the crib notes for when Don't Go Near The Park ends up on the GNVQ Filmmaking for Fucktards course:

The film opens thousands of years ago inside a hallow volcano. A mysterious elder with a reverb pedal jammed down her throat is cursing her son and daughter for feasting on the innards of the village children. Eating warm human halts the aging process, dangerously 'destroying the balance of nature'. As punishment they must live & age for 10,000 years. At this point they can guarantee youthful immortality by munching on a virgin descendent of the village (I won't insult you're intelligence by pointing out why this punishment is so contradictory). After the mother has given punishment she mysteriously dies.

Flash forward to the 1960s. The brother realises he needs to spawn a child as an entree for immortality in 16 years. He seduces his landlady, they marry and have a baby. Flash forward 16 years (yawn!). The brother and his wife have an argument at a pool party and the father leaves. In the melee his now teenage daughter runs away and takes refuge in a van with three yoofs. They attempt to rape her but thanks to her giant red magic medallion their van go alls KIT and crashes into a bridge, killing the three boys. The daughter wakes up far away from the accident. Then blah blah blah blah...

If you want to know what happens, you can borrow the DVD. In fact you can have the DVD. This is quite possibly the worst film i've ever seen. Worse than Cannibal Terror. Worse than Nightmares in a Damaged Brain. I'm beginning to think that the true legacy of the Video Nasty scandal is the undeseved infamy it has provided to some truly awful films, forever to be exploited by low-budget film distributors who label the misrepresentative DVD covers with the titillating promise of 'Previously Band' and 'Completely Uncut!'. Word's can not describe how dreadful this film is. So why carry on this review?

Video Nasty #28 : I Spit On Your Grave AKA Day of the Woman

Synopsis: In search of peace in which to write her first novel Jennifer has left New York and rented a house in redneck country. Before long she has caught the attention of the dim-witted locals, who, as to justify their atrocious sexual desires, selectively interpret her outgoing personality as a sexual game. After being raped and left for dead, Jennifer survives to take the ultimate revenge.

If you google for reviews of I Spit On Your Grave you'll find most reflect one of two opposing opinions; there's those that think the film is depraved misogynistic filth, and those that think it's a misunderstood pro-feminism gem. I was going to write a review that straddles both those opinions. I do believe that despite the poor script and acting, the director had good intentions. I also believe that if violence in a film is shot in a way that is utterly repugnant I don't see how, morally at least, a bad thing. I started writing a review in this vein and realised that firstly, it was predictable and secondly, I could of written the review without watching a frame of the film. Here's the honest truth:

I'm lying on bed, attempting to piece together a review of my usual mediocre standard. After a brief period of struggling to spell 'misogyny' I had something of an epiphany. The TV's on, and i'm being treated to 'The Best Of My Supersweet 16'. If you're not familiar with the programme, it follows spoilt middle class idiot-holes planning lavish sixteenth birthday parties, all at the expense of their painfully useless parents. And as I was watching a self-agrandising spoilt cunt have an x-factor style audition to choose who's worthy of attending his public ego-inflation, I realised that i was actually shouting at the TV. Yet during a the ten minute rape scene in I Spit On Your Grave you could of looked at my indifferent emotionless counternance and assume I was watching something as emotionally vapid as TV static or an episode of Scrubs.

I am a little concerned about the complete lack of effect the film had on me; after all the film is a bunch of violent reprehensible acts strung together with a script less nuanced than a Tesco's Value ham sandwich. Maybe my video nasty marathon is finally taking its toll and I was inadvertently proving Mary Whitehouse right by becoming a desensitised degenerate who is more upset by some spoilt kid than a woman being raped. Or maybe I Spit On Your Grave is so badly made, scripted, shot and generally realised that any emotional attachment I may of had to the ghastly acts were constantly destroyed by the fact I couldn't watch a minute of the film without expecting a boom-mike to fall in shot or one of the actors to start laughing.

There are some potentially interesting elements in the film, but somewhere between the original idea and script the original intention was lost and absorbed by the pulpy dumbness of the final product. For example, one of Jennifer's attackers is mentally handicapped and forced into raping her by his so-called friends. The fact that Jennifer chooses to kill him first is a deliberate decision by the script writer, asking the audience to consider if revenge is justified in extreme circumstances, even when it is ambiguous whether the target understood the crime they committed in the first place. Unfortunately, the director decided the character should be played full-retard, complete with comedy glasses and fishing hat. The ridiculousness of this offensive caricature detracts from the issues the character was meant to raise.

There's a good, interesting and intelligent film in the idea behind I Spit In Your Grave, it's just not delivered in the 1979 film. Maybe, and i'm amazed that i'm actually saying this, the upcoming remake will actually deliver where the original could not.

Video Nasty #27 : Contamination AKA Alien Contamination

Synopsis: After a ghost ship arrives in a New York dock Lieutenant Aris is sent to investigate, quickly discovering its cargo of mysterious green glowing egg-like lifeforms. Before you can say 'I've seen this somewhere before' the eggs burst open, causing those who come into contact with the psuedo-yolk to explode, chest first. Can Aris and Colonel Holmes from the secretive Special Division Five uncover the true origins of the alien eggs (*cough* Ridley Scott's Alien *cough*) before they are distributed across the planet?

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. The problem is, when money's involved imitation becomes a thin line between flattery and plagiarism. Superficially Contamination is a cheap Italian rip-off of the seminal Alien, released to quickly cash in on its phenomenal success. Actually, other than the iconic eggs and its short lived title of 'Alien 2', Contamination has far more in common with camp 50's b-movie sci-fi then the haunted house atmosphere of Alien.


The plot is silly, but bumbles along quickly enough. I think the film was made to appeal to an American audience, and in many ways fits into the cookie cutter template of an early 80's action flick - The unlikely love affair between the quarrelling leads is very Indiana Jones, and the evil corporation's elaborate and presumed successful attempts to kill our heros is textbook Bond. In a way these elements make the film comfortably predictable, like a pair of manky slippers you wouldn't want anyone else to see you wearing.

Special mention is deserved for the sets of Special Division Five's laboratory, almost exclusively built using hexagons, because, you know, architecturally awkward six sides shapes that don't fit together are soo futuristic. Wrongly I assumed the set was a homage to cheep and cheerful b-movies, the sliding door's jerking movement and cardboard aesthetic a deliberate decision. Unfortunately, after listening to the director discuss the timeless quality he was trying to achieve in the movie (hahaha!) i'm not so sure.


Whilst the film's sets are unimaginative, there is glimpses of the film-makers true vision in the quirky costumes and special effects. Some of the effects are realisticly gorey (I will never get tired of seeing people explode), and others are hilarious but enderaring, such as the mother alien locked away in the evil organisation's basement. Cameron's sequel to Alien introduced the terrifying queen, where as Contamination has a green octo-thing with a huge glowing yellow eye and extended osmosis tube that eats its victims whole, like a snake. Possibly the most hilarious shot is that of the Alien cave on mars, filled with hundreds of eggs - it's clearly a scale model of peas in a paper mache diorama.


I really liked Contamination. It was rubbish, but had enough fun moments to keep me hooked. Despite the sometimes poor effects, at least the director tried to deliver pay-offs instead of relying on stock footage and reaction shots. Its biggest downfall is its (admittedly underplayed) efforts to cash in on Alien; It's easy to blame the poor quality of the film on age, but when you remember it was released after Alien the age cannot mitigate the lack of quality. Contamination is cheap, cheerful and, I think, is just intended as a bit of escapist fun. A rareity on the list.

Video Nasty #26 : The Witch Who Came From The Sea

Synopsis: Molly is not well. Struggling to come to terms with her horrific upbringing, she has developed an alternate personality that avenges her Father's despicable crimes by seducing, castrating and killing men. As her memory's protective facade begins to drop Molly must face the truth of her childhood and unconscious revenge.

One of the most interesting and disorientating aspects of watching an obscure film from the early 70's (and i've done this a lot recently) is that one rarely has any realistic preconceptions. Other than the title, video cover and promise of something potentially offensive, it's difficult to know what to expect. The Witch Who Came From The Sea is the epitome of not judging a film by its cover. The title, pulp video cover and tag line ('Molly really knows how to cut men down to size!!') suggests camp horror, when the film is actually a slow paced character study exploring the psychological scars of child sex abuse, the title begin derived from the main character's obsession with a mermaid. Watching the film was akin to entering a ghost house and the train immediately stopping in a large lecture theatre where the riders are subjected to a two hour lecture from captain smug himself, Richard Dawkins - I could stomach the lecture, but I really just wanted rubber skeletons and bats on strings.

Sexual abuse is a difficult subjet to tackle in a (predominantly) entertainment medium. It's something that many other films on the list have approached with blood-tinted exploitation glasses, their slightly off-hand dealing with the subject leaving me more than a little sour. Thankfully the The Witch... doesn't trivilise the subject, painting a subtle portrait of a woman in denial.

Molly has rewritten her childhood, believing her perfect father is lost at sea and one day may return. Her need to accept this fantasy is reinforced by her less than supportive sister ('You could be a top waitress, even a bunny if you put your mind to it'), the constant presence of her beloved nephews and all them men in her life being part-time misogynists. In moments of clarity Molly has flashbacks of her father's dispicable acts, soundtracked by the white noise of waves crashing, a reminder of the sea that has, in her mind, taken her father and childhood.

As the frequency and intensity of Molly's flashbacks increase so does her alternate personality's appearances and more men, as the tagline has it, are cut down to size. Every girl remembers her first castration, and Molly's is a doozy, luring two major league footballers to a hotel room, tying them up and administering some permanent contraception. Aside from the scene being rendered almost unintelligible by heavy 'we're all stoned' reverb, It's difficult to believe that the rather plain looking Molly managed to seduce the two men, let alone the film star she seduces later (unsurprisingly Millie Perkins, who plays Molly, was married to the writer). Despite the relatively graphic scenes of violence, I suspect the film earned its blacklisting due to the horribly effective scenes of child abuse. The haunting image of a grown man's legs grinding on top of child's in bed is deeply unpleasant, but how can child abuse be anything but?

I feel the biggest problem with The Witch... is the dichotomy of it trying to be both a gory horror film and an earnest character piece. I couldn't warm to Molly, and aside from a very silly fantasy sequence of bodybuilders being violently contorted around their gym gear, there was very little in the way of the silliness promised by the title, cover and tagline. The film's biggest failure is its final emotionally charged scenes, which falls completely flat because I really couldn't care about the tortured lead. Despite its flaws, The Witch... has soul, which is a rare quality for films on the list. As Mr E. would say, it's a beautiful freak.

Video Nasty #25 : Snuff

'Cut & Shut' is a term used to describe a composite automobile that has been created by welding two cars, often write-offs, together. Snuff is a 'Cut & Shut' film, 90% a low budget unsuccessful horror flick, and 10% a freshly shot piece of marketing genius. It's essentially a Lada with the rear end of a Lexus.

In 1971 Roberta and Michael Findlay wrote and directed Slaughter, a low budget horror film inspired by the Manson Family murders and shot in Argentina. The film achieved little distribution and quickly disappeared into the obscurity it probably deserved. Five years later, to the surprise of the Findlay's, Slaughter was re-released in cinemas with a new ending and title - Snuff.

Snuff was the illegitimate child of soft-core film producer Allan Shackleton. After reading lurid tales of real-life murder films shot in South America, Shackleton spotted an opportunity to exploit the outrage and perverse interest in these so-called 'Snuff' movies. He knew that if he could release a film and convince the right people it was a real snuff movie the inevitable moral backlash would create free publicity and an 'event movie' that will have curious punters flocking to their local grindhouse. But Shackleton still needed a film, and how could a mock Snuff movie be dragged out for more than five minutes without the viewer, after the initial burst of adrenaline and curiosity, suddenly realise that what they were watching wasn't only disgusting but, frankly, boring? Shackleton then devised his master stroke - take an existing, preferably cheap film and after ninety minutes insert a new ending, purportedly real footage of the crew killing one of the cast members. The film would keep the audience in the cinema for ninety minutes, eager to see the hyped finale, and most importantly, the whole venture will be extremely cheap. Shackleton choose Slaughter, presumably because it did very little business on its original release and, consistent with the Snuff legend, was shot in South America.

On release Shackleton hired fake protesters to hook the media, which led to legitimate protests from Women Against Pornography. The Findlay's, obviously pissed with the fact Shackleton managed to make good money from their crappy movie, sued and settled out of court. Bizarrely, Michael Findlay later died on top of an NYC skyscraper from lacerations caused by a tipping helicopter's blades.


Slaughter, or what of it is in Snuff, is a badly scripted, badly shot, badly scored, badly dubbed, badly acted, yet bizarrely watchable film. The film follows Satarn (subtle), the male leader of an otherwise all-female cult. His followers will do anything to apease him, which alternates between sadist sexual favours and murder. It's essentially male wish-fulfilment bullshit. The misogyny runs through out the film, a later scene having a nymph explain that her sexual needs are the result of being repeatedly raped as a child, something she partially enjoyed. Despite the moral questionability of the film, it's difficult to be offended by something so poorly put together.

And then Slaughter abruptly and prematurely ends, leading into the newly filmed Snuff footage. Presumably there were only a few minutes of Slaughter left, which annoyed me. Despite it making as much sense as the appeal of colonic irrigation, I actually wanted some closure on the mad storyline.

The new footage is, compared to Slaughter at least, quite convincing. This is aided by the jaring and slightly disorientating sudden cut, dragging the viewer through the fourth wall, with crew and lighting now visible. One of the actresses from Slaughter (not actually the same actress, but lets ignore that) is led to a bed by a crew member and convinced to 'fool around', all under the watchful eye of at least four crew members, one of them still filming. The women is quickly tied down and with the acquiescence of the crew she has a few fingertips snipped, her hand jigsawed and finally her stomach disembowelled. At this point the film seemingly runs out and the screen is left a brilliant white, with the sound of crew members planning their escape fading to silence.


The idea is pretty smart, and the execution (sorry, bad pun) isn't too bad. Unfortunately, there's numerous indicators that give the game away. Ignoring the normal found-footage screw-up of multiple inexplicable camera angles, the effects just aren't good enough. During the disembowelment the woman's chest is ridiculously elongated and where she ends and the special effect stomach begins is blatant. Despite this many swallowed the lie whole, and this inevitably led to its banning in the UK.

Snuff is an intriguing yet ultimately dull film. One has to admire the audacity of Shackleton's plan, and for that the film deserves at least some of its infamy. Much like Faces of Death, the film's legacy is in the camp-fire stories of real snuff films it has perpetuated.

Video Nasty #24: Cannibal Man AKA Apartment on the 13th Floor

Synopsis: After accidentally killing a taxi driver the only way Marco can avoid capture is to reluctantly silence those who discover his secret. Whilst Marco's self-preservation is leading him to relentlessly hack away at his family tree, a mysterious male admirer is watching his every move.

Experience has taught me that any film with 'Cannibal' in the title is inevitably going to be so painfully dull it will, somewhat ironically, make we want to chew my own arm off. Cannibal Man disproves this conjecture, but only because the title is pure marketing tosh. There is a man, but he is in no way a Cannibal. In fact, i'm not even sure he's a meat eater.

Misleading title aside, Cannibal Man is something of a hidden gem. The film's plot is refreshingly simple, affording the director time to focus on the slow-burning mental collapse of our anti-hero, Marco. Unsurprisingly, Marco's brooding hardman facade quickly dissolves after he's killed his girlfriend, brother, brother's girlfriend, father-in-law to be and a local waitress.

Although the plot sounds darkly comic, almost cohen-esque, the film is primarily a tragedy with only a few subtle nods to the humour that can be found in the slightly ludicrous story. Marco is a reluctant, almost accidental serial killer. As if trying to justify the kills to himself, he always offers his victims a way out, as if their persistence makes them fair game. Marco exhibits further denial by positioning the corpses of his brother and his girlfriend in a naturalistic loving embrace.

In the third act Marco finally succumbs to the advances of his over-friendly neighbour Nestor and, oddly, joins him in a homo-erotic splash in the local pool. After a sexy soft-lense shower scene Marco returns to the Nestor's apartment, situated in a modern tower-block that shadows Marco's dilapidated cottage. Nestor confronts Marco about the killings he has witnessed through binoculars and, unlike anyone else in the film, offers to help. Marco is a knife's edge away from killing the only person that's tried to help him and, in a moment of clarity flees and confesses to the police. There's clearly a subtext regarding social divide, but despite the writer's obviously strong conviction it wasn't entirely clear to me. Further reading has filled in the gaps - knowing about the huge gap between rich and poor under Franco's rule helps provides a much clearer context for the film.


Despite the high quality of filmmaking on display, some of the film's dialog is shocking, I suspect due to bad translation and dubbing. My favourites include Marco's tirade against the taxi driver who objects to Marco having sex on his back seat - 'Haven't you been with a girl before, what are you? Some kind of homosexual!? ... My suggestion to you is, shove your taxi'; and Marco's response when his girlfriend asks if there's anything in the paper about the taxi driver they killed the night before - 'No. Not at all. Oh, there was one thing - the man died'.

Cannibal Man is an atypical video nasty, probably finding its way onto the list due to its blunt title rather than the relatively moderate content. it's nice to watch a listed film that is engaging and attempts to provide an underlying subcontext, even if it's intentions are never quite successfully expressed. Whilst most of comically bad dubbing in euro-trash films makes them more watchable, it only hinders Cannibal Man; I wish I had seen a subtitled version that, I suspect, would provide better dialog and, in turn, better reflect the subtle naunces of the story.

Also, thanks to its misleading title I can continue to further recycle my mediocre 'chew my own arm off' gag in future Cannibal movie reviews. Hooray!

Video Nasty #23 : Killer Nun

Synopsis: When patients at a religious hospice start dying somewhat prematurely Sister Gertrude is the prime suspect; her rule has become increasingly dictatorial and she suspiciously blacks out before every death. Doubting her own sanity, Gertrude can only find solice in mental torture of the patients, large helpings of self-medicated morphine and humiliating her doting and obsessive lesbian roommate. Is Gertrude being framed or is she really the Killer Nun?

No. It's the lesbian roommate, stupid.

Killer Nun is one of many nunsploitation movies, following a sister's fall from grace into a secular swamp of feminism, lesbianism, sadism and murder (If there was ever a film genre that was named before a film existed, it has to be Nunsploitation). I'd guess that the sexualised element is clearly playing to man’s apparent desire for a good girl gone bad, after all, nun to scum is more of a moral swing than Harold Shipman doing a fun run for Help the Aged.

Given the bluntness of the title I expected Killer Nun to be a fun throw-away movie with some unsubtle criticism of religion, the later presumably leading to its treasured place on the video nasty black list. Instead, I got a dull trashy movie that didn't work on any level; the script meanders, the kills would only mildly excite a gerontophobe and the sex scenes are about as erotic as a scat movie narrated by Werner Herzog.

Gertrude, the nun recovering from potentially botched neuro surgery is played reasonably well by Anita Ekberg, but the script gives her little to do other than look distressed, confused and angry, mostly in that order, ad nauseam. Gertrude's nihilistic fall from grace leads to some incongruous but bizarrely entertaining scenes, such as Gertrude smashing on an elderly woman's false teeth during dinner, and later forcing her lesbian roommate to wear nothing but stockings and repeat the phrase 'i'm the worst kind of whore'. Gertrude's dictatorial treatment of the patients is one of the more interesting aspects of the film, especially as the patients appear to have complete contempt for their self-appointed guardians' religion. Unfortunately, like anything potentially interesting in the film this falls along the wayside in favour of the suprisingly dull murder mystery.


One would think that the taboo of a nun murdering her flock would be interestingly subversive, but the lack of inventiveness and visual flaire reduces most of the kills to something that wouldn't look out of place in an episode of murder she wrote. It's clear that the protagonist is being framed, and the heavy handed attempts at misdirection to implicate Gertrude are transparent and tired.

Despite the promise of its explosive title, Killer Nun is a disappointing movie that fails to effectively exploit all the interesting ideas a morphine addicted, lesbian, murdering nun raises. To be honest, i'm mostly disappointed that I didn't manage to fit a 'kick the habit' pun into the review.

Video Nasty #22 : The Funhouse

Synopsis: After enjoying a potent combination of marijuana and candy floss, four teenagers decide to have a sleepover in the carnival's ghost train. Hidden amongst rubber skeletons and cheap animatronics they witness the murder of an (evidently rubbish) fortune teller. Stalked by the deformed killer and his surrogate father the teens must escape the ironically named Funhouse.

Teenagers in horror films are always doing stupid things, be it running up stairs to an inescapable first floor, screaming their lungs out instead of quietly sneaking away, or using close visual inspection to ensure the bad guy's dead rather than putting a bullet in their head for good luck. I think deciding to stay the night in a ghost house is on a par with these perennial stupid decisions. You wouldn't stay the night in a hotel ran by carnies, so why stay in one of their many attractions/death traps? Nevertheless, if characters didn't make stupid decisions most horror films would follow a bunch of teenagers having good but legal fun and getting an early night; maybe with a closing shot of a glum psychotic killer sitting dejected in his nutty room after a non-starter of an evening.

Stupid decisions aside, The Funhouse is solidly made yet marginally disappointing film. The film looks and sounds great. For me, it finally proves that Tobe Hooper is a quality director, something I was unsure of after watching the grimy silliness that is Death Trap and the controversy surrounding his actual contribution to Poltergeist.


Hooper is at his best creating an unsettling calm before the storm, making the ordinary feel, often inexplicably, not quite right. As the teens explore the carnival only Amy, the film's lead, notices there's something creepy, almost malevolent about the Carnival's inhabitants. A barker's fixation on Amy, the deformed animals in the freak show and an old lady screaming bilious religious hatred at the girls all contribute to an unsettling atmosphere, creating a slow-burning dread of the inevitable events to come. Unfortunately, the time spent on this and the pointless subplot of Amy's brother running away means the teenagers don't get into the titular Funhouse until forty minutes into the film.

Once in the tardis of a funhouse the proverbial excrement really hits the rotating air conveyance device, as the teens witness a murder and are quickly discovered by the deformed killer and his creepy guardian. The duo are classic Hooper, a mentally handicapped freak (see Leatherface) and his loving yet psychotic father figure (see Leatherface's father). The killer appears early in the film shuffling around in a full frankenstein costume, complete with a snot covered rubber mask and a heavy laboured wheeze, making him suitably creepy and mysterious. Unfortunately, as with most movie monsters, when the mask is removed the killer's true form is not quite as effective or believable as whatever our imagination has concocted, despite being an impressive piece of practical effects.


The remainder of the film is satisfactory, but the by-the-numbers third act doesn't live up to the genuinely creepy lead up to the carnage. Maybe Hooper lost his nerve, or maybe their was too much pressure to produce a commercial horror film. Regardless, I'll definitely watch The Funhouse again, which isn't something I would happily say for almost all of the previous twenty one films.